ALRIGHT ASSHOLES,
This is the Fraud. Welcome, sit down. Stand up. We're leaving. The Fraud is turning in. It's time for bed.
However, I'm being pressured to post something on this redic-ass shiz.
Some general thingz:
1. Unless there is a particularly rant-worthy sports event, all sports-related posts will be left up to Genesis.
2. I'm busy as fuck so don't pull your snake out yet because I might not be posting regularly like my friend Conway with his posts every Monday: pictures and whatnot.
3. I live by two mottos: -No regrets
-Everybody Wang Chung tonight
The Fraud
Monday, March 23, 2009
This past week I, like every other respectable individual, devoted all of my time to the greatest event in sports, March Madness. Waking up at the crack of 9:15 each morning to watch the same “let’s send it into overtime” commercial 315 times during the tournament gave me time to realize three things. (I used the football link because if I see the basketball version one more time this will happen)
One: I’m fairly confident that Mark Few is the only coach in America who handled a late game finish appropriately- by doing nothing at all and letting Goodson drive the ball to the rack without giving the opposing team a chance to set up a solid defense. Each game I watched, barring the OSU-Siena game because I was en route to Portland to see the aforementioned Goodson, trailing teams dribbled the ball and stood around until there were three seconds left on the clock, then decided to have their one triple-teamed player drive to the depths of five feet beyond the three-point line to chuck up a no chance trey. Brian Mulligan where are you now?
Two: Those pansies from Clemson who were my Elite Eight party crashers must have wanted to get home from the tournament in time to rent Twilight before Blockbuster sold out, consequently busting my bracket so hard that even Rihanna wouldn’t give it a second chance.
Three: In the words of Will Ferrell’s last role before catching the Adam Sandler disease (playing the same character each damn movie), ‘I’m going to throw this one out there,’ I am in contention for being the Ultimate Fan. What is the Ultimate Fan (UF for short) you ask? The Ultimate Fan is the sole person on earth who believes they have more passion and knowledge pertaining to sports, music, movies and everything in between than the next two contenders combined. I am happy with the misconception that I have more fervor these things than Doug Funny does for Patty Mayonnaise or Kanye West has for himself, and will throw a bitch-fit of Michael Cera proportions if told otherwise. As the self-proclaimed UF, I have deemed it as my duty to compile The 50 Commandments of Fans, because well 50 is the number of the greatest athlete who has ever lived. At the end of each post I put on this blog, I’m going to toss in a couple of commandments, just so you can make sure you are doing your duty as a fan.
I. SPORTS
1. Thou must hate one franchise and/or school to the same degree, if not more, than in which they love their favorite.
• For me, this one is easy. I am 100% confident that the world would be better off without teams such as the Lakers, Raiders, the SC Trojans and the Red Sox/Yankees. At first you may say, but Genesis, these teams have had some of the greatest players and won more titles then blah blah blah. It does not matter what you have to say, I would gladly sit through a replay of every single 2005 Pittsburg Pirate game or the worst no call in history then have to watch a USC highlight montage or Mark Madsen celebrate a championship that he may have had less to do with than Jack Nicholson. Its just the truth, and when I am someday the richer than my childhood hero, I plan on buying these teams for the sole reason of moving them to Antarctica so they will no longer bother any of us real sports fans again.
II. Music
1. Thou must hate auto-tune.
• If you’re a true fan of music, this commandment needs no explanation. If you’re just someone reading the blog because you cant get enough Genesis and the Fraud, simply purchase this.
III. Movies
1. Thou must have a list of at least five movies they will watch until the end if they are found on t.v, not matter how much or little is left.
• This concept was brought up to me by someone who is himself in contention for the UF. If there isn’t a group of movies out there that you not only could sit through at any time, but must watch till it’s completion, then your not a true fan of film. For me the five movies at The Sandlot, Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, Speed and The Godfather, and if you’ve seen those movies (yes Speed was not a typo) then they are probably on your list too.
IV. TV
1. Thou must have seen every episode of at least 5 television programs, and be able to identify each episode within 2 minutes of viewing it.
• The only reason that I bumped to commandment up to 5 to be in the running for UF is because even my sister has seen every episode of at least one series. And if you are only on par with my sister, then you are far from being the UF. My 5: Family Guy, South Park, House, The Office and of course this.
Sorry this post was so long, but I’m just trying to get a hang of it. The Fraud will be making his introduction soon, so keep refreshing your pages ladies and gents. But that was post one, and I look forward to many more.
-Genesis
One: I’m fairly confident that Mark Few is the only coach in America who handled a late game finish appropriately- by doing nothing at all and letting Goodson drive the ball to the rack without giving the opposing team a chance to set up a solid defense. Each game I watched, barring the OSU-Siena game because I was en route to Portland to see the aforementioned Goodson, trailing teams dribbled the ball and stood around until there were three seconds left on the clock, then decided to have their one triple-teamed player drive to the depths of five feet beyond the three-point line to chuck up a no chance trey. Brian Mulligan where are you now?
Two: Those pansies from Clemson who were my Elite Eight party crashers must have wanted to get home from the tournament in time to rent Twilight before Blockbuster sold out, consequently busting my bracket so hard that even Rihanna wouldn’t give it a second chance.
Three: In the words of Will Ferrell’s last role before catching the Adam Sandler disease (playing the same character each damn movie), ‘I’m going to throw this one out there,’ I am in contention for being the Ultimate Fan. What is the Ultimate Fan (UF for short) you ask? The Ultimate Fan is the sole person on earth who believes they have more passion and knowledge pertaining to sports, music, movies and everything in between than the next two contenders combined. I am happy with the misconception that I have more fervor these things than Doug Funny does for Patty Mayonnaise or Kanye West has for himself, and will throw a bitch-fit of Michael Cera proportions if told otherwise. As the self-proclaimed UF, I have deemed it as my duty to compile The 50 Commandments of Fans, because well 50 is the number of the greatest athlete who has ever lived. At the end of each post I put on this blog, I’m going to toss in a couple of commandments, just so you can make sure you are doing your duty as a fan.
I. SPORTS
1. Thou must hate one franchise and/or school to the same degree, if not more, than in which they love their favorite.
• For me, this one is easy. I am 100% confident that the world would be better off without teams such as the Lakers, Raiders, the SC Trojans and the Red Sox/Yankees. At first you may say, but Genesis, these teams have had some of the greatest players and won more titles then blah blah blah. It does not matter what you have to say, I would gladly sit through a replay of every single 2005 Pittsburg Pirate game or the worst no call in history then have to watch a USC highlight montage or Mark Madsen celebrate a championship that he may have had less to do with than Jack Nicholson. Its just the truth, and when I am someday the richer than my childhood hero, I plan on buying these teams for the sole reason of moving them to Antarctica so they will no longer bother any of us real sports fans again.
II. Music
1. Thou must hate auto-tune.
• If you’re a true fan of music, this commandment needs no explanation. If you’re just someone reading the blog because you cant get enough Genesis and the Fraud, simply purchase this.
III. Movies
1. Thou must have a list of at least five movies they will watch until the end if they are found on t.v, not matter how much or little is left.
• This concept was brought up to me by someone who is himself in contention for the UF. If there isn’t a group of movies out there that you not only could sit through at any time, but must watch till it’s completion, then your not a true fan of film. For me the five movies at The Sandlot, Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, Speed and The Godfather, and if you’ve seen those movies (yes Speed was not a typo) then they are probably on your list too.
IV. TV
1. Thou must have seen every episode of at least 5 television programs, and be able to identify each episode within 2 minutes of viewing it.
• The only reason that I bumped to commandment up to 5 to be in the running for UF is because even my sister has seen every episode of at least one series. And if you are only on par with my sister, then you are far from being the UF. My 5: Family Guy, South Park, House, The Office and of course this.
Sorry this post was so long, but I’m just trying to get a hang of it. The Fraud will be making his introduction soon, so keep refreshing your pages ladies and gents. But that was post one, and I look forward to many more.
-Genesis
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