Assholes,
My freshman year is over (!). How was it, you ask? I know you do, you sly devils. Well...
The more I realize that indeed my first year of college is over, the less it seems like a milestone. I did do lots of things. I got drunk, had sex with people i didnt know and never saw after, ate shitty food, went to class hung over, didnt often wear clothes, passed out in weird places, smoked my fair share of da reefah, saw a kid fall off of a second story balcony onto his feet, and wrestled his friend on an abandoned mattress. Yep, it was cool. However, it's "how i roll" as the kids are saying these days.
College is just a big lie to get you to go to more school. All of those older people who say "it's the best time if your life," and "you'll have 'a blast',". Well they're working for him! That's right, the man. And I, for one, won't stand for it.
A wise man (me) once said, "College would be the ideal lifestyle without the classes." Well here I am America, saying fuck the classes, I'm going home. But not, I'm going back to school next year, but not going to class. At all. Not one single one. I will be drinking and smoking and sexing and sleeping, with the occasional workout. Who's with me?!
Your loving social and as it turns out, educational, slave,
The Fraud
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Second Post: It's a Beautiful Day
It is lovely outside. It is a wonderful day for a nice, big deli sandwich. Lucky for me, yesterday was too. I got quite possibly the best sandwich ever made. The folks over at Valnizza Deli on Sloat and 4th street in Monterey hooked it up with the tri-tip and everything on it. Do it. For those of you who are too far away, yes, it is worth a trip up/down here for one.
They ALSO HAVE LIQUOR, something you will not, I repeat, will not find in the evergreen state. Washington. They, through some prohibitionist bullshit have separated completely the stores that sell alcohol other than beer, wine, and mad dogs (what the hell are they really, juice?) from the stores that sell other things. All other things. Which means that an anticipatory purchase of chips, should I get hungry whilst drinking, with my rum is thereby impossible. God forbid I buy my chips and my rum at the same establishment. Bastards.
Love,
The Fraud
They ALSO HAVE LIQUOR, something you will not, I repeat, will not find in the evergreen state. Washington. They, through some prohibitionist bullshit have separated completely the stores that sell alcohol other than beer, wine, and mad dogs (what the hell are they really, juice?) from the stores that sell other things. All other things. Which means that an anticipatory purchase of chips, should I get hungry whilst drinking, with my rum is thereby impossible. God forbid I buy my chips and my rum at the same establishment. Bastards.
Love,
The Fraud
Thursday, April 2, 2009
After many requests, I've finally dragged myself out of my blogging funk and am ready to start posting more often, because its always necessary to win the crowd over. I didn't know Genesis and the Fraud were getting as big as Steve Nash until I saw that Villanova coach Jay Wright was clearly an avid fan. Coach Wright seems to have taken my advice to heart, letting virtually unknown Scottie Renyolds blossom into one of the stars of the tournament by taking the ball to the hoop in the closing seconds, without giving the Pitt defense a chance to set up by calling a useless timeout...(Genesis note: I know they had no timeouts left, but this way I seem right). Anyways, I was going to go on about this, but being that my bracket's chance of winning are the same as this guy one day working for ESPN, I'm going to turn my attention elsewhere.
You see, I am going through a day that is making me think about turning in my title as the Ultimate Fan. I am and will always be a Bronco fan. But today I took a blow that will take years to recover from. After an off-season where they already fired the face of the franchise, Mike Shannahan, the Broncos have topped themselves by trading away their best player. Jay Cutler, the 25 year old pro-bowler who led Denver to the second-highest rated offense in the league, was traded for Kyle Orton and some draft picks. Are you kidding me? Kyle Orton backed up Brian Griese and Rex Grossman during his stint in Chicago. Brian Griese the quarterback who made Jake Plummer look like a savior in Denver, and Sexy Rexy the turnover machine. Your telling me that this was a good trade. I understand that Cutler wanted out, but at least get someone with potential that can be molded into the star that Cutler has become, like the rumoured Brady Quinn. Even the barrel man, must be considering turning in the barrel. But have no fear Genesis nation, I am standing behind my team and my Orton jersey is in the mail. Thanks to the early 80s, I know that going separate ways can lead to greatness (tell me that's not the best music video you've ever seen), and I wish Cutler the best. Now lets get on to some commandments.
Sports
II. Thou shall think their favorite team is one player away from being a championship dynasty.
You have to think your team is on the brink of greatness, even if they have been in a perennial basement team for the better half of a decade. Give the Utah Jazz (of the 90s or of now) a formable center who is a defensive presence and can score from 10 feet in, the Jazz add some banners. Instead the Jazz had Greg Ostertag and as a result have as many banners hanging from the rafters at there are families without guns after watching this. If you don't have the false hope that you are only one Kevin Garnett away from a titile, what's the point.
On second thought, too tired to do movies, music and tv from yesterdays epic prank war, will do double time next post.
-Genesis
Monday, March 23, 2009
ALRIGHT ASSHOLES,
This is the Fraud. Welcome, sit down. Stand up. We're leaving. The Fraud is turning in. It's time for bed.
However, I'm being pressured to post something on this redic-ass shiz.
Some general thingz:
1. Unless there is a particularly rant-worthy sports event, all sports-related posts will be left up to Genesis.
2. I'm busy as fuck so don't pull your snake out yet because I might not be posting regularly like my friend Conway with his posts every Monday: pictures and whatnot.
3. I live by two mottos: -No regrets
-Everybody Wang Chung tonight
The Fraud
This is the Fraud. Welcome, sit down. Stand up. We're leaving. The Fraud is turning in. It's time for bed.
However, I'm being pressured to post something on this redic-ass shiz.
Some general thingz:
1. Unless there is a particularly rant-worthy sports event, all sports-related posts will be left up to Genesis.
2. I'm busy as fuck so don't pull your snake out yet because I might not be posting regularly like my friend Conway with his posts every Monday: pictures and whatnot.
3. I live by two mottos: -No regrets
-Everybody Wang Chung tonight
The Fraud
This past week I, like every other respectable individual, devoted all of my time to the greatest event in sports, March Madness. Waking up at the crack of 9:15 each morning to watch the same “let’s send it into overtime” commercial 315 times during the tournament gave me time to realize three things. (I used the football link because if I see the basketball version one more time this will happen)
One: I’m fairly confident that Mark Few is the only coach in America who handled a late game finish appropriately- by doing nothing at all and letting Goodson drive the ball to the rack without giving the opposing team a chance to set up a solid defense. Each game I watched, barring the OSU-Siena game because I was en route to Portland to see the aforementioned Goodson, trailing teams dribbled the ball and stood around until there were three seconds left on the clock, then decided to have their one triple-teamed player drive to the depths of five feet beyond the three-point line to chuck up a no chance trey. Brian Mulligan where are you now?
Two: Those pansies from Clemson who were my Elite Eight party crashers must have wanted to get home from the tournament in time to rent Twilight before Blockbuster sold out, consequently busting my bracket so hard that even Rihanna wouldn’t give it a second chance.
Three: In the words of Will Ferrell’s last role before catching the Adam Sandler disease (playing the same character each damn movie), ‘I’m going to throw this one out there,’ I am in contention for being the Ultimate Fan. What is the Ultimate Fan (UF for short) you ask? The Ultimate Fan is the sole person on earth who believes they have more passion and knowledge pertaining to sports, music, movies and everything in between than the next two contenders combined. I am happy with the misconception that I have more fervor these things than Doug Funny does for Patty Mayonnaise or Kanye West has for himself, and will throw a bitch-fit of Michael Cera proportions if told otherwise. As the self-proclaimed UF, I have deemed it as my duty to compile The 50 Commandments of Fans, because well 50 is the number of the greatest athlete who has ever lived. At the end of each post I put on this blog, I’m going to toss in a couple of commandments, just so you can make sure you are doing your duty as a fan.
I. SPORTS
1. Thou must hate one franchise and/or school to the same degree, if not more, than in which they love their favorite.
• For me, this one is easy. I am 100% confident that the world would be better off without teams such as the Lakers, Raiders, the SC Trojans and the Red Sox/Yankees. At first you may say, but Genesis, these teams have had some of the greatest players and won more titles then blah blah blah. It does not matter what you have to say, I would gladly sit through a replay of every single 2005 Pittsburg Pirate game or the worst no call in history then have to watch a USC highlight montage or Mark Madsen celebrate a championship that he may have had less to do with than Jack Nicholson. Its just the truth, and when I am someday the richer than my childhood hero, I plan on buying these teams for the sole reason of moving them to Antarctica so they will no longer bother any of us real sports fans again.
II. Music
1. Thou must hate auto-tune.
• If you’re a true fan of music, this commandment needs no explanation. If you’re just someone reading the blog because you cant get enough Genesis and the Fraud, simply purchase this.
III. Movies
1. Thou must have a list of at least five movies they will watch until the end if they are found on t.v, not matter how much or little is left.
• This concept was brought up to me by someone who is himself in contention for the UF. If there isn’t a group of movies out there that you not only could sit through at any time, but must watch till it’s completion, then your not a true fan of film. For me the five movies at The Sandlot, Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, Speed and The Godfather, and if you’ve seen those movies (yes Speed was not a typo) then they are probably on your list too.
IV. TV
1. Thou must have seen every episode of at least 5 television programs, and be able to identify each episode within 2 minutes of viewing it.
• The only reason that I bumped to commandment up to 5 to be in the running for UF is because even my sister has seen every episode of at least one series. And if you are only on par with my sister, then you are far from being the UF. My 5: Family Guy, South Park, House, The Office and of course this.
Sorry this post was so long, but I’m just trying to get a hang of it. The Fraud will be making his introduction soon, so keep refreshing your pages ladies and gents. But that was post one, and I look forward to many more.
-Genesis
One: I’m fairly confident that Mark Few is the only coach in America who handled a late game finish appropriately- by doing nothing at all and letting Goodson drive the ball to the rack without giving the opposing team a chance to set up a solid defense. Each game I watched, barring the OSU-Siena game because I was en route to Portland to see the aforementioned Goodson, trailing teams dribbled the ball and stood around until there were three seconds left on the clock, then decided to have their one triple-teamed player drive to the depths of five feet beyond the three-point line to chuck up a no chance trey. Brian Mulligan where are you now?
Two: Those pansies from Clemson who were my Elite Eight party crashers must have wanted to get home from the tournament in time to rent Twilight before Blockbuster sold out, consequently busting my bracket so hard that even Rihanna wouldn’t give it a second chance.
Three: In the words of Will Ferrell’s last role before catching the Adam Sandler disease (playing the same character each damn movie), ‘I’m going to throw this one out there,’ I am in contention for being the Ultimate Fan. What is the Ultimate Fan (UF for short) you ask? The Ultimate Fan is the sole person on earth who believes they have more passion and knowledge pertaining to sports, music, movies and everything in between than the next two contenders combined. I am happy with the misconception that I have more fervor these things than Doug Funny does for Patty Mayonnaise or Kanye West has for himself, and will throw a bitch-fit of Michael Cera proportions if told otherwise. As the self-proclaimed UF, I have deemed it as my duty to compile The 50 Commandments of Fans, because well 50 is the number of the greatest athlete who has ever lived. At the end of each post I put on this blog, I’m going to toss in a couple of commandments, just so you can make sure you are doing your duty as a fan.
I. SPORTS
1. Thou must hate one franchise and/or school to the same degree, if not more, than in which they love their favorite.
• For me, this one is easy. I am 100% confident that the world would be better off without teams such as the Lakers, Raiders, the SC Trojans and the Red Sox/Yankees. At first you may say, but Genesis, these teams have had some of the greatest players and won more titles then blah blah blah. It does not matter what you have to say, I would gladly sit through a replay of every single 2005 Pittsburg Pirate game or the worst no call in history then have to watch a USC highlight montage or Mark Madsen celebrate a championship that he may have had less to do with than Jack Nicholson. Its just the truth, and when I am someday the richer than my childhood hero, I plan on buying these teams for the sole reason of moving them to Antarctica so they will no longer bother any of us real sports fans again.
II. Music
1. Thou must hate auto-tune.
• If you’re a true fan of music, this commandment needs no explanation. If you’re just someone reading the blog because you cant get enough Genesis and the Fraud, simply purchase this.
III. Movies
1. Thou must have a list of at least five movies they will watch until the end if they are found on t.v, not matter how much or little is left.
• This concept was brought up to me by someone who is himself in contention for the UF. If there isn’t a group of movies out there that you not only could sit through at any time, but must watch till it’s completion, then your not a true fan of film. For me the five movies at The Sandlot, Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, Speed and The Godfather, and if you’ve seen those movies (yes Speed was not a typo) then they are probably on your list too.
IV. TV
1. Thou must have seen every episode of at least 5 television programs, and be able to identify each episode within 2 minutes of viewing it.
• The only reason that I bumped to commandment up to 5 to be in the running for UF is because even my sister has seen every episode of at least one series. And if you are only on par with my sister, then you are far from being the UF. My 5: Family Guy, South Park, House, The Office and of course this.
Sorry this post was so long, but I’m just trying to get a hang of it. The Fraud will be making his introduction soon, so keep refreshing your pages ladies and gents. But that was post one, and I look forward to many more.
-Genesis
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)